“Successful Relationships” are NOT EASY, as I said to a friend of mine, if they were then EVERYONE would be in a “Successful Relationship.”
A “Successful Relationship”: Is a Relationship that takes a lifetime to unfold without losing site of one another’s Needs, Loves and Passion for Life!
Being able to follow your path whilst understanding that you each have a path to follow and bringing these together with the understanding that this will take a LIFETIME:
A Journey of a Lifetime: The Ride Not Unlike a Roller-Coaster Ride!!
I remember watching “Cheaper by the Dozen” with all the family intricacies and Steve Martin looks at his Mother with despair as he has just lost his job and his wife, has just found out she is pregnant: The Grandmother (his Mum)’ says: “Oh well you have two choices in life you can either take the Merry Go Round which just goes around and around: or you can take the Roller Coaster with all of its ups and downs” she then pauses and says: “ Give me the Roller Coaster Ride any day”
Having been married now for some 43 years, three sons, a daughter-in-law and granddaughter: Yes give me the Roller Coaster Ride. Would I recommend it, well I think if you are serious about wanting to have a lifetime companion to share your life with, want to grow old with, then definitely YES.
However I know couples that have made that commitment without the formal marriage ceremony, having gone on to Live Happy, Successful Relationships.
Would I say it is easy, definitely NO!! But I have also learnt that in life nothing worthwhile is easy.
It saddens me when I see so many relationships falling apart with so many fragmented families, in some cases the pain of it all has been so devastating.
Now I know not all relationships can be saved, sometimes things just happen and we have to let go and move on.
Sharing with You The Secret Ingredients of Long Term Commitment and Unconditional Love
I would like to start before entering a relationship have a clear picture without being unrealistic of the qualities you would like in your life long partner. Some of these may be: you want them to be kind, understanding, to have some ambitions for their life without being overly ambitious: you may like for them to come from a family with good morals, work ethics and where family is important. I am sure like me you will want them to be true to you, no other, you may well want them to be keen on keeping themselves healthy and well, I know this was an important one for me. So this gives you a place to start, I am sure that you will have more to add of your own. However be a little careful because you will have a lifetime to grow and learn together. Remember you are not about to change someone so if they have habits that are not part of your kosha then this is not the person for you no matter how much you try.
Developing a Relationship that will Last a Lifetime
Getting to know each other: You know when dating it is important not to ask questions such as “What do you do for a Living? How much money do you make? About previous friendships, relationships or “What do your parents do for a living?” These questions suggest that you are sizing up the person like they are a piece of merchandise. It is important with both men and women to know that someone is interested in us for who we are, not what we are.
Be Genuinely Interested: feelings toward things, likes and dislikes. Enjoy each other’s experiences without judging or with expectation. As humans when we are quizzed or questioned we will clamp up, but when given time and being able to just be ourselves we will open up
Feeling Special: Men as much as woman like to feel “Special” even though they may not say it. So it is important to make each other feel special. We like know that our life long partner is the Love of our Life. So let them know: Hey they don’t have to be your entire life we all have a great deal to contribute to the world, but sharing these contributions with our love is vital for a long standing successful relationship
Be Yourself: Always be the best YOU, you can be but you don’t have to pretend or be anything other than the true essence of who you are and who you want to be. It is important to remain true to your values so if you donot like rap music don’t pretend you do or people who are dishonest. Be honest about the things that you do love and want as part of your life. For this dig deep into your heart and soul understanding your true inner core. Like if someone said to you that you were going to be put on an island what 3 or 4 things could you not do without.
Freedom & Trust: Freedom and trust in a relationship to not losing who we are and who we are to become. Freedom to explore each of your own life’s path that is not going to bring any harm to you, or your partner or to your relationship. Whilst making sure that you also share experiences together as well.
Finances & Support: Never compare wages and if one of you happens to earn more than the other, it is important for that not to have any value or foundation to the relationship. Money is but a mere tool to help us to live our lives. There is no need to spend lots of money on each other, it is important to have a budget so that you can also include in it money to spend for yourselves so that no one feels that they are missing out. Obviously saving is important for those big events such as house, car, holiday or other such plans: next having money to pay for your bills that are coming in and good food. To help get into a routine with this it can be really helpful to have a Professional person such as an accountant who can help you with this.
Jealousy is a Curse: You know at the end of the day each of you could well be or find someone else but it is important to realize and remember why you love this person. Loyalty and commitment working through your issues will work far better at keeping that love growing than any attempt to create any jealousy.
Monogamy is the True Essence & Key: Some people fear that if they mention sexual fidelity being a vital key to their relationship that this will create a problem and the person will become nervous. Once again, the opposite is true human nature only wants one person to love them and to be intimate with. It will bring about a great sense of security, trust and faith will be built into the relationship. So if say you were going out with someone who protested about this you would not engage further with the relationship. Commit to the fact that you want to be with each other rather than you need to be with each other:
Each of you have to be clear about the fact that you can survive without each other, but you want to be together to share your life, grow old together and ultimately love each other. There may well be times where you feel that you don’t necessarily like each other because of stress or trauma that is happening in your life, but remembering the very essence that you love each other and telling your partner that you love them every day.
Be a part of each other’s life: Don’t just be involved with your friends and family but also become involved with your partners family and friends as well. Show an interest in each other’s achievements.
If you are not necessarily getting exactly what you want from the relationship stop and think, change behaviors and give to the relationship the things that you would like. It may take time but it will happen.
Giving of Yourself: It is always important to give of yourself in any relationship, there may well be times in the relationship when one will be giving more than the other for a variety of reasons. But it may be important to point this out, just saying you don’t mind for the moment because you know they are going through a hard time or whatever. But don’t give of yourself to the extent whereby you feel that you are being taken advantage of. You will also both have different things that you enjoy doing or are particularly good at and don’t mind doing. So talk about this and come to a happy medium that will fit in with your lifestyle.
Communication the Secret Ingredient
- First, recognize that men and women often have different ways of communicating. Women tend to want to explore a range of different feelings and opinions on most matters. Most men prefer for things to be kept simple. Some men do not see the need for communication unless there is a problem that needs to be fixed or an action that needs to be taken. The simple discussion of feelings or opinions is not easy for many men. Woman tend to become very emotional to the point of crying, men get angry and just need some space. So the important thing here is to stay clear about what point you want to make for the NOW! Not to bring up past issues or problems. So you are sowing the seeds and like with any seeds that may take some time to grow roots and bloom, so be patient.
Face-to-face communication is usually better than talking over the phone, especially if you have important issues to discuss. Face-to-face communication leaves less room for misinterpretation or misunderstanding. Do not attempt to talk about important matters over the phone, voicemail, sms or Facebook. You cannot develop a successful relationship with a mobile phone or any other form of social media, one on one person to person is the only way, and otherwise there is a lot of misinterpretation and assumptions.
- Communication is vital to a healthy relationship, 80% of communication is listening: this helps for each of you to be able to confide in each other without feeling nervous or worried that what you are going to say is going to come across as silly or misunderstood. So make it easy for each of you by not putting one another down, critizing or being judgmental. Most importantly avoid saying something negative. If you are feeling tired, particularly anxious or angry about something it is probably better that you don’t say anything until you are in an improved headspace.
Each of you needs to know that it’s safe to tell you more. And the more that is being shared with each other, the deeper your love you will become with each other. For instance, suppose you are being told that they are feeling bad about not having accomplished something of importance. It important to just listen and reaffirming your love. If it is a concern for example about losing a job, again just listen and make clear your love for them. If there is opportunity down the track to help with maybe some advice or support then give it but for now it is just important to truly show your love from your heart having empathy.
As mentioned Communication is key to every successful relationship, but it will take time for two people to learn to communicate effectively. Typically, as you’re dating relationship progresses, the need for communicating effectively becomes more significant. Most of the time woman have less trouble communicating than men, men do find it difficult and like to get to the point.
Build Your Relationship with Effective Arguing: Rather than Destroying it!!!
In every relationship there are disagreements. Just because we want this relationship to be serious with the hope of heading into marriage or a lifetime commitment, does not mean we give up our own thoughts, opinions or perspectives—it’s important not to. We approach things differently for many reasons. For example, stay-at-home parents may see issues in another way than working parents; or religious differences can cause disagreements in a marriage. In every relationship, it is nearly certain that arguments will ensue. In any relationship no matter how much in love you are or even sometimes how long you have been together there will be times when you feeling like running away. This just means you need time to yourself, to just relax and be in touch with the inner you. Restoring your energy and vitality, just to enjoy your own company for a while.
Just because there are arguments in a relationship does not mean that the relationship is not a good one. It can be quite the opposite if we put it into perspective understanding that each person has needs, wants and feelings. There are going to be times when we are not necessarily happy with each other for a variety of reasons, this is all very normal as we are but mere human beings continually growing and changing in an attempt to find meaning, purpose with our life and ourselves. Therefore as even part of our growing as a person we will be learning this throughout our life and it is important to know that you will not always agree with each other. Sometimes it can be difficult watching your loved one go through their crisis periods, making mistakes, however it is not up to us to protect them, to just stand by them letting them know that we love them and that things will work out with time. So if we can just complement each other allowing our strengths to come to the fore whilst working through our own issues will in turn and in the long run help our partner to do the same. We hope that we are not both crumbling at the same time, if that does happen this in when counselling or a holiday can be helpful. Never to lose focus of the importance of not letting go of what you have already shared and built in your life.
Pick your Arguments: In other words before you begin to have an argument or disagreement say to yourself is it worth it, is it a matter of life and death. So if the argument is going to add life to your relationship help it to grow or you to grow in a positive way or your partner then it may well be worth going ahead with, however if it is going to bring pain, hurt or heartache to the relationship then you may think that you can solve the problem or issue on your own. The death of a relationship doesn’t happen in one foul swoop, it is many years of incremental damage of each person not feeling as if they are being treated fairly, with respect, with love and understanding. Remembering that this may not all come at once and there may be times when one partner needs to give more than the other, it is remembering the positive things and what you love about each other.
Focus on the issue. If the issue is that you are upset that your partner or spouse is coming home late and does not call, seems to be looking for someone else, does speak or treat you in manner that you consider fair then that is the issue that should be discussed. If the problem is constant back seat driving, telling your partner to jump out and walk does not resolve the problem, no matter how good it may feel at the moment. When one person ends up with all the housework while the other reads the paper, you should focus on sharing chores rather than the fact that his mother spoiled them: Try to decide why you are upset and what it is that you hope to achieve with the discussion. Communication is about improving a situation not about making it worse. So if we begin to become nasty and putting someone down this is going to lead to further problems not a resolution.
Concentrate on the result. Focus on a solution to a problem, but more importantly understanding depending on the problem the solution may take some time and may happen in incremental steps. So say for instance, if the argument is about one of you would like to spend more time with each other you may need to have some suggestions ready here on how you might do this and fit it into both of your schedules. However If the argument is about housework, how much you are doing for the other person or how you are going to share the chores then there will need to be la great deal of compromising here. You may need some assistance with having someone do the housework or mow the lawns as these should not be make or break issues in a relationship.
Forget the Past By bringing up all of the past hurts and angers does not help with the current issues at hand at all. It just makes it impossible and overwhelming. There will so many feelings of hurt, unworthy, unable to meet your expectations. That instead of finding any sort of solution or compromise we will have just created more problems.
How we communicate so that we are not attacking: When we use I words if your argument is about a change in behavior it may well be “I don’t want what the matter is, you don’t normally behave like this: So you are changing it to that it is not about what you want, but that you are concerned for them therefore it’s difficult for your spouse to feel defensive or become angry at you. You really can’t be angry at the way someone feels. So if you go to drive your car and your spouse, who last used it, has left it empty of fuel, you may say just something like you must have had a lot on your mind as you didn’t notice the car fuel indicator on empty.
You will learn by listening than talking. This will require us to actually stop thinking and to listen to what is being this will help to do away with assumptions, will give the other person a chance to explain themselves therefore building a bond together. In doing this you also give yourself time to get to know your partner better, if you don’t quite understand what they mean then you are able to say this therefore bringing an improved mutual understanding.
Back off, Give Space: It is important that if your partner is treating you unfairly or is behaving in an aggressive or argumentative manner that you back off. It is not advisable to be consoling or sympathetic at this stage because no matter what the underlying cause this is an inappropriate way to deal with it. It is important for both of you to have space, be brave and don’t allow fear to step in that you may lose them. You need to allow time for the processes of what has taken place to gel of for each of you to regain your dignity, emotional balance and stability. So just go about doing whatever you would normally be doing, or go for a walk or maybe take yourself out. I don’t necessarily agree discussing it with friends unless it becomes violent or you become fearful of what may happen.
The most important thing about an argument is to remember that it’s just each of you sorting out your identities in the relationship. It should not be a volcano that explodes and takes over the living room. If you follow the rules and try to fight fair, you are more likely to enhance a loving relationship. Remember to stay on subject and always end with a “thanks for listening,” and an “I love you” or a big hug. The argument is not “I hate you;” the argument is “We are having a disagreement.” If you can remember that: your arguments can build your relationships rather than destroy them.
Relationships do go through a Roller-Coaster ride through life especially when true love is involved because when we care that much it is difficult & painful watching our loved one go through their difficult life lessons. The important thing is to understand when we have not done anything wrong or created cause to their behaviours so that we can enable each of you to take responsibility for the role you play in the relationship. It is also important without hauling ourselves over the coals to realize that we are not perfect and we will make many mistakes along our path in life as well.