Learning to say No doesn’t make you out to be a Mean or Terrible Person~
It just means – Learning to know your limits and how to pace yourself, so you can be a NICE PERSON!!!
Most people have difficulty say NO, from time to time. It can be that you are concerned of hurting people’s feelings or that they won’t like you or you might just be a person who is eager to please, this is what is known as a people pleaser. It can be very draining to trying to please others and it can have a detrimental effect on your health often leaving you feeling anxious, stressed, worried and unhappy.
There are times other people may without meaning to, take your Good Nature for Granted. Knowing that you always will be there and can be counted on. Unconsciously, they may well put more on you than is fair, allowing you to take up the slack, not doing their fair share. Because you don’t say NO!!!
They just keep asking you because you haven’t communicated your limitations or that there are times where you just aren’t or will not be available.
This happens especially for people with adult children, either the children are still way too reliant on the parents for doing things or it can be visa versa, where the parents are expecting their kids (Adult children) to be there.
The Worst Scenario can happen, more often than not you can be taken for granted. Again this is not necessarily deliberate, but because you haven’t learnt to communicate your limits and prioritizing your commitments it can easily happen. So unless you become clear about your limitations the situation may well become more difficult with each person not feeling terribly happy toward one another.
Learning to Say NO!!! When Necessary
Is Necessary for your Health and Wellbeing as well as developing Positive Relationships
Here are 4 great ways to stand up for you and say No:
- Soften the No
Instead of shouting No at the person and creating an uncomfortable encounter you can instead soften the No by postponing your help.
For example —
- No, I am busy right now but I can help you in 40 minutes time
- No, I have other things to do at the moment
- Right now I do not have a free moment maybe later on
- I would love to help but not at this minute, try John
What you are doing is softening the No by saying not now rather than an outright No. This is a lot easier to do especially when dealing with people who intimidate you.
To deal with people who want your help but are somewhat reluctant to help you — negotiate! Yes, I can help you with that ????? Could you give me a hand with_____________________________
Social activities and outings negotiate with a time, place and date that works for you
There are some people who view the world in terms of what is in it for them and the concerns of others are of secondary importance. With these people you are wasting your time talking about your needs. So this is where you will need to be strong with a definite NO!
Negotiation is only possible when the other person respects your needs and your wants
- Say No When You Do Not Care About the Outcome
When you are flexing this new found ability to say No for the first time use every opportunity to get some practice e.g.
- In a restaurant, say no to the first table you are offered
- At home say No to coffee when everyone else says Yes, have tea
- In a store say yes to an offer of help but No to the product
What I mean is to say No when you are dealing with people whose approval is not that important to you. You will quickly learn through experience that it is not the end of the world if you say no and the other person is not pleased with you.
- Say No to the Big Request and Yes to a Smaller One
Sometimes you are going to be asked to do more than your fair share and a definite No, maybe not be the answer you are able or want to give. A good way to handle these requests is to offer to do engage in part of the activity that you deem fair and reasonable.
- I will clean 2 rooms if you do the other 3 rooms
- I can do 5 pages of the report as long as you give me the data
- If you start the project I will help you finish it
- I can take “Jimmy”, “Suzie” to day care Monday & Wednesday this week, but not every week.
There a lot of times when you will want to say yes. Saying yes is fine, the secret here, not to say yes if it is going to cause you further dis-stress, anxiety, depression or trauma because what is being asked of you. Does it fit with you.